I’m on hiatus through the New Year! I’ll resume my regular posting on 1/6/2020.
Until then, remember that you are enough, exactly as you are. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone or force your body to fit in to predetermined molds.
Take care of yourself and I’ll see you in 2020!
And… if during this time you would like to revisit my posts from 2019, you can now find them all in my new Index.
The end of the year is hard. It’s dark and cold (at least in the Northeast where I live). And the last part of the year comes with expectations and obligations that can add stress to an already stressful time. The people who go around these last two weeks of December with an indelible Holiday spirit actually confound me.
And yet, despite all of that, I’m lucky. I have a wife that adores me and a family that loves me. Many people, especially many people in fat or trans bodies, aren’t so lucky. Some might be going back to homes where their bodies are questioned or denied, where they might have been through trauma or violence. Some might not be going home at all because they have made the decision to remove toxic influences from their lives. Some might be going to homes where they have lost someone important.
It’s true all year, but especially now, as we look toward the end: Be kind. Everyone is going through something you don’t know anything about. And if you need it, I hereby give you permission to be kind to yourself above all.
Finally, because I can’t ignore this wonderful advice from Hess Love on Medium, some advice to give someone, maybe someone at home, who expresses concern for your “health”:
If you’ve been watching HBO’s His Dark Materials, you know that unlike in our world, in their world each person’s soul take the form of an animal, called a daemon. While you’re a child, the daemon’s form is unsettled, but when you reach puberty, your daemon settles and the mysterious “dust” begins to “infect” you.
James Cosmo as Farder Coram (His DarkMaterials, HBO)
My question is, where are the fat people in this world? We have seen a little body diversity in the Gyptian camp, including one person who appears to have a congenital disability. But there are precious few fat people to be seen and only one who has a major role to play. That’s Farder Coram (James Cosmo), and he’s an old man.
When it comes to fat bodies in media, we are often ether sexless sidekicks or excused for our fatness when we’re old because thinness is the purview of the young. Coram, at least, isn’t totally sexless. We are told that he loved a witch and they had a child together. But when we see him in the course of the story, he is alone.
It is wonderful to see so many actors of color in this series and to see not only white, able-bodied actors in all the roles. But we have got to do better when it comes to showing people of size living every-day lives. We hardly even see them in the background, regardless of whatever world the narrative places us in. In a fantasy series where souls look like animals that can talk, surely it isn’t too far-fetched to show a few fat people with their daemons, too?
If you haven’t yet seen the ad for Peloton bikes titled, “The Gift that Gives Back,” you can find it here. In the ad, a man surprises a woman (apparently his wife), with a brand new Peloton bike. She proceeds to film her workouts over the next year for, as we come to find out, a video thanking her husband for this “gift that gives back.”
Much has been made of this particular shot of the woman at the start of this whole process:
Does this bike make me look anxious?
She does not seem… well, enthused to be doing this exercise. Though she keeps up with it, surprising herself with doing some exercise 5 days in a row and having the trainer on one of the live classes say her name. At the end, she says to her husband via video, “A year ago, I didn’t realize how much this would change me. Thank you.”
I… have a few things to say about this, coming from someone in a fat body.
First, a pro tip: DO NOT GIVE YOUR LOVED ONES EXERCISE EQUIPMENT FOR CHRISTMAS. Or at any other time of the year. UNLESS and ONLY UNLESS they actually ask for it with their own words. Exercise equipment should never be a surprise gift. It sends a terrible message, no matter what. It says, “Something is wrong with you and I think you should use this machine to fix it.”
Pro tip addendum: Maybe don’t spend $2,000+ on something without checking with your partner first? That’s generally a good way to end up in an argument, regardless of whether that money was spent on exercise equipment or not.
Like I said, much has been made of the expression on the woman’s face at the start. She DOES seem anxious. So much as been made about it, in fact, that Ryan Reynolds has used the same actress in a commercial for his gin where she uses the same expression. Her two friends have taken her out for a holiday drink, and as she snaps out of her wall-eyed reverie, she toasts “to new beginnings.” One hopes that she has by now left her husband who makes questionable life decisions and maybe sold the Peloton so she can buy something that she really, actually wants.
The original commercial just leaves me wondering what was so wrong in this woman’s life that using an overpriced exercise bike was the solution? So much of the time people in fat bodies or people who are dealing with depression or other mental health issues (or both) are prescribed “exercise” as a way to fix it, or at least to cope with it. But while exercise certainly does have many benefits both for the mind and body, it is not a substitute for ACTUAL HEALTHCARE. I personally cannot think of a single, rational problem where this bike can be the only solution.
Exercise is not some mythical thing that we can only do on a machine or in a gym. It is in every movement of our bodies. It should not be coerced. It should not be done out of guilt. It should not be done to prove to someone else how much you’ve “changed.” It should be joyful! It should be because it makes you feel good. It should be done any damn way you please. If that’s going for a walk outside or getting on your $2,000 bike, neither way is better than the other. Do what pleases you for you and for no other reason.
Source: https://canweallgo.com/
If you’re not familiar with AllGo and it’s founder, Rebecca Alexander, check out their website here. The mission of AllGo is to collect reviews from plus-size people on the comfort and accessibility of public spaces so others can know what to expect. You can access AllGo from an app available on the Apple Store or Google Play. They also have a Twitter account.
But in 2020, AllGo is expanding their services to include design consulting for businesses and employers that want to make their spaces more welcoming for people of size. You can learn more about AllGo’s consulting services here.
I am hopeful that AllGo’s design consulting services will be used far and wide because it is so hard to work for a company that does not have your comfort and accessibility in mind. It is difficult to advocate for yourself in corporate environments. I’m fairly lucky to have an HR department and executives who listen to my needs and work to accommodate them, but it’s not that easy for most people. And even for me, it was an effort to find the confidence and strength to advocate for myself.
Also, it would be great to be able to walk into any restaurant or business and not have to worry about whether I will be able to fit into the chairs or booths or be able to stand up from the tables. So, while the reviews are invaluable, having AllGo out there actually making changes to the spaces we occupy is exciting.
A tip of the hat to good friend and loyal blog follower Emily Joy for reposting this graphic from more-love.org:
Much of what we consider to be polite conversation during this food-based holiday actually highlights disordered eating. For people struggling with body neutrality or an eating disorder (or both), the Thanksgiving holiday can be a nightmare to negotiate. The chart above gives some helpful scripts for remembering to focus on the person and the people and not the food. And also, take your food police badge off. It has no place at the table.
Kudos to More Love for being a resource committed to helping parents “to raise kids free from body hate, disordered eating, and eating disorders.” Check out some of their other Thanksgiving tips!
Diversity and inclusion work is becoming more and more of a priority in corporations as our culture continues to shift (ever so slowly) toward being more welcoming of all kinds of people. But often, as this article on CNN points out, body size is not included in this kind of work. As the continued pervasiveness of fat-shaming shows, body size is still largely considered modifiable and something they can control if they just have enough willpower. Staying fat is seen as a reflection of character. As the article says, “Research shows that in the workplace, obese employees are stereotyped as ‘lazy, unmotivated, unintelligent, sloppy and lacking willpower.’” These stereotypes are what leads to employers being less likely to promote us or less likely to hire us at all.
Food is a very large part of the culture at my workplace. We have a snack closet that is free for employees as well as multiple specialized food events throughout the year. It’s a wonderful perk to have and encourages socialization and bonding between the employees. But even though no one has ever made a disparaging comment about it, I have often felt the weight of the eyes on me as a fat person going for my second helping, or that second cookie, or whatever. Because even though we love food, we also have an annual “Chubber Club” in which employees can choose to compete to lose weight.
The article quotes Rebecca Pearl, a psychologist and assistant professor in the department of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania:
Source: https://www.cnn.com/2019/01/03/success/weight-bias-work/index.html
We don’t often talk about the microaggressions fat people face in the workplace. One of the biggest is having to listen to the constant diet talk of others as they discuss all of the things they are doing to not look like me. Shutting down diet talk is hard and exhausting and it takes a level of comfort and confidence in the situation that can be impossible to find. This is when we need thin allies to step in and help us.
Your Fat Friend posted a story on Medium where she detailed an interaction she had during a staff meeting where a formerly fat employee imposed his diet talk on a roomful of people. He was lamenting, loudly and during the meeting, about whether he should have a birthday cookie. Despite being disruptive, he continued until ultimately deciding to pass. The next person the box of cookies passed to, a thin and muscular friend, provided an astute and wonderful send-up of the behavior before taking two cookies himself.
When thin and thin-passing people talk endlessly about their diets, all they do is “other” the fat people near them. They are tacitly saying, “Praise me for all of the work I am doing to not look like you.” And we’re expected to just take it. When diet talk and weight loss is part of the cultural norm of a company, then that company becomes hostile to the fat people who work there AND it does harm to the thin people who work there, too as they obsess about their weight to fit in.
Unprompted and unsolicited diet talk contributes to weight stigma, which hurts everyone. Just cut it out.
I was fortunate enough to be asked to do a sermon at my church, Unitarian Society of Germantown, yesterday. I knew that I had to use the opportunity to speak out my experiences of fat phobia and discrimination. It came out amazingly well, and I am lucky that my church records all our sermons. The the video is below. My wife did an amazing introduction for me and then there’s the sermon. The whole thing is about 16 minutes long.
The first time I ever tried to have a spa experience that was more than a mani/pedi, I was at a fancy hotel in Atlantic City. I’d had a massage before but it was more therapeutic than relaxing, so this time I wanted something really special. I treated myself to a soak and an hour-long massage, but when I got to the spa the largest robe they had didn’t fit. I had to wrap myself in what I could of the robe and use a towel to cover the rest of my bits. It was embarrassing and distressing to be in a place where I was literally naked and vulnerable that was not for me.
So, when I read about Ann Grauer being denied service at a Chicago spa, I remembered in visceral detail every moment of that experience. She went to a spa that she’d been to before for a service she’d received before, only to be told this time that there was a weight limit for women (but not for men). Grauer’s story came to my attention through an article in The Lily, a magazine of The Washington Post.
After reading about Grauer’s experience, Maggie Spear wrote and drew about how her own shame and fear kept her from going to a spa to the point where she struggled to even pamper herself in her own home. Here are some panels about Grauer’s experience and her own perspective:
Spear’s point, and it’s a good one, is that when you’re told over and over that something isn’t for you, you believe it. So it’s easy to see how thinking that spas and pampering isn’t for you when you’re in a fat body can become thinking that travel isn’t for you. Or nice clothes. Or comfortable shoes. Or any of the other “luxuries” that thin people seem to have ready access to.
But of course we do deserve all of these things. There need to be more fat-positive places like spas because we are just as stressed out and in need of pampering as everyone else is, maybe even more so since we seem to be bullied and harassed at every turn. One of the best experiences of my life was getting a therapeutic massage from a fat-positive practitioner to help deal with my grief. She had a specially designed table where I felt comfortable and supported the whole time, including cut outs in the table where I could comfortable rest my breasts while I was on my front. Everyone should get to have an experience like that, no matter their size.
See this thread from author Seanan McGuire below because I’m not sure I could do any better. This shit has got to stop. Stop telling strangers what they should do with their bodies. Stop telling ANYONE what they should do with their bodies. You are not the endless font of wisdom that you think you are. I don’t even care if you are the foremost medical professional in all of the land. Unless you are MY doctor, keep your bullying, fat phobic comments to yourself. End of.
